16:50

fever

<3 Ko
I'm sick... and yesterday was a crisis day... I was cold and there was no one to warm me up... chicken soup you say? yeah right, like if anyone would care anough... well, my mom was busy, and i don't blame anyone, she got me medications and warm tea that i absolutely love. I'm loosing weight and becoming skinny, like in thos movies about people who don't have food in the house and smoke a lot, though we always have food in the house... but yes i smoke a lot lately... I couldn't go out to the city... 39*C... but i got through, two warm blankets... those were so hot that i couldn't stand them, though one is not enough... wow, i found a way - put my ass outside of the blanket so that the cold air don't let me become too warmed up... went places today though and finally washed my head, what a great pleasure. I should be up on my feet really soon.

But night was weird i didn't see many dreams, but i had illusions and hallucinations, just like if i had just got stoned... first some appartment and me in the middle, friend came over and she was with me all night, then black cloths and stuff like that.

and yes the song:
little rude and stylish
kissable and quiet,
That's all that girls dreams are made of,
that's all you need to know
You have it or you don't...

=D

<3 KO


<3 Ko
got some music transfered to my phone... =D
I miss coffe, and i miss tea, i miss hookah, and i miss my friends.
But i'll be strong, there are way too many problems, but those are not about me... those are peoples problems...
I was broken inside for a while, and was lost inside, but time heals...
i just got one thing, i'm stuck in the house, and i'm a bloke, well it's not the best position... heh...
<3 KO

21:40

I'm sick

<3 Ko
that's all a bloke wants to leave here

17:08

wuahaha

<3 Ko
this message is from the modern Bloke, aka the Teacher, aka Bloody Bastard, aka KO...
yeah you got me... with your care and love and all, You got me with your friendship... now i see it, now i see who cares and who does not... I'm tired of hitting the wall with my head, i just can't do it anymore. and i can't stand how people close to me lie in my face, and stuff... You're afraid, you talk about being honest, but look at yourself, two faces, three faces? doesn't matter, just maybe sometime soon you'll understand just like i did!
<3 KO

13:36

pozitrons

<3 Ko
I feel so hyper
I can't understand,
I wished on the star
Which found it's end.
I feel so alive
so cared fore and loved,
Cuz Bree left a message,
So filled with her hope.

I feel so awesome
So handsome at times
I sit in the tea house
And wish for good times
I don't want to cry
and be all depressed,
I'm making my choices,
You tell me the rest.

I don't wanna run
For girl who left me,
There is so much fish
In every cup of tea
And tears are so salty
And i just relax,
I smoke cigarettes
and find my extas....

=D I'm fucking feeling good, so don't mess with my mood, You can't bring me down... don't try, i'm over it again, and again, and again... i opened new door, i see it so clear................ and there is no more fear. there is just me, and i would say: take it or leave it... it's your choice...
done...
<3 KO

21:11

cam whores

<3 Ko
So yeah 3rd time:

1st: people learn to listen - there is so much to hear.
2nd: don't assume some things that are not connected.
3rd: teahouse tomorrow - any takers?
4th: everyone has their life and makes their own choices, don't push people too hard...

That's all for todays note
<3 KO

16:21

SCORE

<3 Ko
i found out this technology today, and have to say it's pretty obvious and awesome

Today i was watching HITTV and i saw this really stupid girl calling the programm to look smart and stuff. Maybe others didn't notice it, but the VJ was all like: What the fuck, how can you be so stupid... haha, it's all about the model of life he has... But it doesn't really matter, i had enough time to sleep today, and i'm glad about my life... Yes i do smoke cigs, and it's just a part of me, you know nothing more. I'm just learning. and i predict.

for example i made a prediction yesterday, about the weather, or to be more detailed: about the sky, the sky today was the way i saw it yesterday in my head... meteorology maybe should hire me, cuz i'm lucky... hehe...

Even though i'm having great time at home, i need more communication, i want to meet people, cuz it really is so much fun... I'm going back to the US soon and i still didn't feel my thirst for good conversation here...

and yeah, btw, shopping is so much fun sometimes...

<3 KO

18:46

hahaha

<3 Ko
i dunno, was cooking today and had some roof time, and went to TAUSPaCENTER - it was nice there today... tell me something funny and maybe that will make me feel better, i feel good... but i want to feel better... =D
<3 KO

<3 Ko


I just like this song... =D dunno why..


It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us i want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

-daft punk



<3 Ko
so here we go again, i woke up in this small cold room, opened my eyes with pain, and noticed that allergy didn't go anywhere, pills right a way... they don't really help, shower and my body in the mirror, make up and stuff... New jeans that i managed to put on sit smooth... and the pink shirt looks good with my reddish hair in the morning light... i'm going to leave soon, to take care of some stuff... ma dog came up to me when i was smoking one of my strong cigs... and we had a conversation... phone is still silent, but it's all good... i have to do so much shit today, and i think everything will go smooth, cuz i'm in a smooth mood... =D... i need a cool eyeliner, want to emphasize my eyes a lil bit... but i won't cuz i don't have the damn thing... music... black eyed peace... where is the love...
g2g
<3 KO

<3 Ko
I'm tired of being depressed when there is no big deal... sometimes i see lie, lie lie and it's sad, cuz i appreciate the truth... but i understand that people chose to lie once in a while... they tend to do it every day. and it's normal...some people really care and they dont lie... maybe you need time to figure out stuff... and i understand that... just wanted to tell every single person in the world: I'm not lonely, though many think that and say that. I have people who care about me, and who i care about... people say they know me, yeah right... nice try, only i know myself... i only know how i feel at whatever moment... i would appreciate talking about somestuff, but i can't do it in the company i have to admit, i like it more intimate - with just one person. phone calls? i know just a few people who can make those calls, but the phone is quiet, and it's okay too... as long as my pone is charged... I'm reading books now... and the books are awesome! I don't like when people judge... heh... and yeah, some people say they don't judge... to those people: it's a lie, think of this: if you didn't judge anything you wouldn't get too far. Don't judge outloud i would say! this is so true, sometimes... people judge but not outloud, or outloud but most of the time behind your back...
anyways... have a good one, i need to take a shower!
<3 KO

<3 Ko
<3 Ko
sorry, you said Alcohol and Drugs?
i cnt belive he never taste it?
but... if it is ... he is liar... so... You said he tasted it... it means he lied me and he dosent trust me anymore, isnt it? So, if its true... fuck him!
he is so depression... and he like it... and u r rigth if he doesnt want to be helped... we cant do nothing...

i hope u'll be my friend... as for u i'm gonna b always... thats why could u promise that all bad thing thats happening with us we will discous? ok?

missya!
ALex

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: RECKLESS BABY [[♥]]
Date: Jul 23, 2007 7:29 PM



ko and i havent talked since the time he told me he was mad at me because i treated him like an accessory that i can dispose of at any moment. my friend told me he was mad at him because i had alot going on my bf was in the hospitol and she told me ko liked me

i tried to help him and stuff because i knew he was always a little bit sad but then he met some bad ppl and he just stop talkiing to all of his old friends and he started useing girls, drugs and alcohol....i miss him but i hate the monster he became. i know he is very depressed and sad but you and i cant help him if he wont let u. we cant save him if he doesnt want to be saved....i tihnk he just likes the attention...i guess he feels that the more he pushes everyone away the more we will be intrigued and would want to help him.

<3 Ko

писал длинный пост, исчез... а слова были красивые, буду настойчевее посмотри может этот пост здесь останется жить, а знаешь, столько уже слов здесь сгорело, очень много... отображение одно и тоже иногда, типа ошибка и тд... Но вот я ищу новую дверь - пишу новый пост... =)

Хочу сказать, что я тоже умею чувствовать, но вот такие дела, для психолога это иногда бывает сложно, ведь проносишь сквозь себя чужие жизни а также чужие чувства, а потом не знаешь куда от них бежать порой. Своя жизнь иногда теряется, и забывается, а точнее хранится до поры до времени, а потом взрывается, когда у самого вопросы. И кажется что знаешь на них ответы, но просто нужно плечо друга поделится, а боль не хочешь другу передовать, и моршишься от боли сам, или прет по черному.

к чему это я? в смысле люди часто не видят вокруг, некоторые упрутся в одну цель и зависают в этом положении на долго, я же стараюсь искать выходы, и ищу... ведь много дверей вокруг - открывай любую, да нет же многие решают мучить себя: биться об чужую дверь, а это бестолку... они бьются - только теряют время... но посмотри на небо! Тучи видишь ты или одну звезду... а что там на самом деле? неужели ты не видишь всех тех звезд небосвода? неужели думаешь что лишь одна звезда может так вот сделать тебя счастливой, а вдру эта звезда даже на тебя и не смотрит, светит себе лампочкой, ей может кто другой важен... а на тебя смотрят другие звезды, которым ты нужен, просто необходим порой... и они так же хороши или даже лучше, а ты в порыве страсти не видишь их... не хочешь увидеть, иногда даже толкаешь от себя, хотя понимаешь, что звезда та ничем не хуже той на которую ты смотришь... или даже лучше...



люди делают свой выбор каждый день: когда проснуться, с кем пообщаться, или какой чай заварить, какие сигареты скурить... этот выбор важен, и я не имею права заставлять людей делать выбор - это не моя жизнь... чужая, и если выбор их делает их счастливыми на подсознательном или сознательном уровне... да ради бога! наслаждайтесь... но если выбор заставляет мучится, может быть стоит открыть другую дверь?

<3 KO



14:37 

Доступ к записи ограничен

<3 Ko
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

<3 Ko
<em>MNE SEICHAS OCHEN' HOROSHO!
</em>


<3 Ko
I woke up today and felt better, not much, but a bit... so let me tell you what was happening yesterday, my day wasn't really good from the morning when i woke up. Yeah... and then when i got back home, i went online and some of people i know from the US were talking to me, hmmm, and they hurt me even more, cuz they ask me how am i doing, and i say: not good... and then they ask why... i tell them, and i feel lonely again, they just say: i dunno what to say, you can deal with it yourself, fuck... yeah... i can... but sometimes i need someone to be here for me, just once in a while... i mean seriously...and then they say: hey, can you help me with my drama?! and i was like what the fuck... do they really care about me even a little... that was another time i got through my shit alone... again as usual... not completely alone to be honest, cigs helped a lot... thanx to them...
<3 KO

<3 Ko

sorry, i'm just broken today, as usual... i need to smoke, but everyone is around and i can't do it... today i was THE LOSER OF THE DAY.


Like seriously: all my fucking plans - destroyed... Shoppping time - kids... pizza - sux... and much much more... I felt that no one fucking cares about me, though some people need me for their psychological problems. i wanted to see my teacher, but her daughter is sick, so i could do nothing... was alone... fuck I can't do this anymore... I need to talk to someone, and no one fucking cares enough... whatever... i had some hope that someone would care... instead... ciggarettes - they do care, i know they do... i have allergy and my self esteem is going down everyday... i understand what's going on... but i can do nothing with it... i asked for help... i asked for something i wanted, no one responded... just empty promises... empty dreams and desires... they cut me bad... oh yeah, btw, my hand hurts a bit... I'm hoping for tomorrow, today - there is nothing left, just ciggs... and sleep...
I want to cry...
Shit happens... but not that much usually... fuck the shit!
<3 KO
PS: FUCK...



@музыка: bliad'!

@настроение: zatrahali!

<3 Ko
это все что осталось от нашей с тобой дружбы Леша, ты прав мне на тебя посрать, и я эгоист, и еще нарциссист... просто блядь надо понимать что я умею делать решения сам для себя. и что друзья не обсуждают друг друга за спиной у друг друга... Я набрался энергии, и теперь скажу честно я просто ухожу, ухожу далеко, от тебя, ухожу с теми кому не все равно... А ты Стой себе там где стоишь... я двигаюсь в реальности, а ты в мечтах, ведь я видел как желания не сбываются, видел, да и сам там был, а ты не был, поэтому и веришь... Я тоже верил, и сейчас верю, но верю в более реальные желания... Психолог мой тебе не нравится, да ты же даже её не знаешь... ты даже её никогда не слышал, и не видел... Тебе не нравится что ты не знаешь чего я хочу, я скажу тебе: я хочу чтобы ты не совал нос в мои мечты... хмммм... вот так...

<3 Ko
i feel so lonely today, everything i do seems not to make any sense anymore, My friends in the US care, but the time difference, doesn't give me a chance to talk to them. Here: i'm not talking to Le Chat, Alice is studying, and my teacher is busy. so i feel empty generaly speaking... eh...
i dunno, i just wanted to talk to someone...
eh...
I feel like a loser - shit...
<3 KO