this is how i feel

I feel angry and eager, anxious and desperate... i feel bad and fucking sad... I can't forgive myself for the emotions i experience... when i'm with friends i forget about it, and then i'm alone, alone with my thoughts... this hatred, caused by jeleousy... I can't know why, i can't know how... i'm scared... Am i really that bad, am i really so worthless... i don't deserve anything? i'm confused... I need some fresh air.... and i can't find it, all is filled with poisnous gases left by the arrows of words... Every living picture is frozen now, there is no correct shape, there is no real smile, there is just lie... it's hanging from the top of the worlds tree, it became our new sun, we can't live without it... We want others to lie to our face and we are too weak to admit truth... it's not appreciated anymore. i just wish i wasn't alone spending all this nights... watching candles on the tips of my dreams, with truth on the tip of my tongue, the words so honest that many would be afraid to even hear them... maybe i'm different, maybe i'm not, believe me i don't ever try to complicate anything, i just can't stand it anymore. Watching other people living in lie yet getting what they want to. maybe the world is based on the lie principle: the more you lie, the more you get. eh...

I'm a wave, and i fade away when i meet the shore.

I wonder, just wonder...



words: Useless, worthless, just a person, suffers, doesn't deserve anything?

@музыка: taking back sunday

@настроение: duh

@темы: Вопросы, Мысли вслух, Чувства

---

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me

I know you well enough to know you never loved me

aking back sunday

Eh, love, what is it anyways, just a feeling between many others, urge similar to a desire to eat, sleep, have sex... but it's nothing actually, is it the feeling at all, maybe it's just an arousal of every cell of your body... or flaming of thousands neurons at the same time... or maybe it's just pieces of the broken heart in front of you... and people learn yoga, they walk across this pieces, and don't feel pain, don't feel anything, they don't care about something so material as love. material? why did it became material? I wonder sometimes what's it all for? and i can't find the answer... i heard love fades away, and becomes just a piece of old coal that barely gives any heat... love is sometimes like winter - so freezing that your eyes get filled with tears and all body hurts... we break down when we love sometimes, there are just a few lucky ones who can coexist... when i say love i remember the picture i saw some time ago... and i'll post it here... love is selfish... and warm, it keeps us alive, but it also makes us dead... dead inside and outside... after sometime you just stop feeling it, just stop existing as a person, more like a wolf or a raven, who can't feel love. love disappears, life does to... i mean we live, we break bones, scatter our dreams, walk around, question people, seek for something and then we die, and we become useless? not remebered and forgotten, we live for a while in the hearts of people who cared about us, and when they dies, probably no one will remeber you with this feeling of love and passion, and you wouldn't probably care anyways... heh.... but what is love anyways, what is it?

<3 KO

@музыка: Taking back sunday

@настроение: questions

@темы: Вопросы, Мысли вслух, Чувства

---

seconds of reality

So here i go again, I'm not so mad at people anymore, they actually care, they really do care about me, but their care to me is like a cage for a bird... they still feed it, they still love it, but they never let it out, they never let it go... because they bought it, just like they created me, so they consider me to be their property... they don't give me a chance to work, they think that i'm nothing, but if you think about today, is there any person then who is worth something... like really, is there anyone who's not nothing... yes there is, it's special someone, who gives you flowers and teddy bears on valentines day, it's someone who even sends a small card that says i love you... it's someone who calls you every night, just to say 5 words: I love you, good night... this person probably is crashed into you, like a runaway train, maybe you don't really care about this person, but you have the connection - you make this person to breath again everytime he's talking to you... Yesterday i had a deep conversation: or maybe not so deep one... but in the middle of it i said: "i went on the roof and was listening to music until the battery went off" and she said: we do same things... so guess what happened next? I asked her out, she was thinking for some time, i felt that she was smiling, and she said: sure... i want us to be together, but i don't know what is going to happen: all that i know is that i need her, and a car to go to this date... =D

<3 KO

@музыка: Crashed into you

@настроение: good i guess

@темы: Вопросы, Воспоминания, Мысли вслух, Позитив, Чувства

---

about being upset...

I'm almost crying... such a distrust, disrespect and offense... they have plans for me, they have hopes, but why don't they just set me free... to do whatever i want to? why not? I wish i was an animal, an ant, so i would die, and i wouldn't even think of it... i wouldn't care - ant doesn't have enough brain power to care... fuck... i need an escape... duh... i've tried 1 cigarette in my entire fucking life, and they consider me addicted already... I had one bottle of beer in my entire life, and i'm an alcoholic for them already! stupid... how can they think that:"oh no, he have tried some taste in life - he must be lost forever alread" how can they say: "think of it" if they don't let me think... did they ever think that it was their fault that i had that beer or smoked that cigatrette... and it was... yes, because i find my escape from them... just like a rebel... i want a lot, my dreams come true, but not in the way i want... in the way everyone else planed... i need an escape... i need a job... i just need something to survive... something to develop myself into a person i want to be... FUCK! i mean why? they don't believe me, they don't trust me, but they know that i'm right... they know that i am... what do we live for? to get money, to make plans? what for - you can die every other moment, and no one will remember your plans for future, someone will get the insurance money, and that's gonna be it... what happened to people, where is carpe diem idea... where is trust... where is real hope, lost between two lagest deserts of the world... or sank in the indian ocean... dissosiated in iced wated, absobt by diet coke... where is fire of love, all i can see is thousands of burned people, who lost their hope, lost their love, they lost their lifes, they exist for pleasure that they will never reach... why even the closest to me person does it... who to trust, if no one wants to trust you?

<3 KO

@музыка: some screamo

@настроение: disguasted

@темы: Вопросы, Воспоминания, Мысли вслух, Точка зрения, Чувства

---

about Valentine's days

from the time i remember myself, i never liked Valentine's day... I didn't like it because i was jeleous, or maybe just sad to be single. And last year i even lost a friend on this day... But today, i've decided to be responsible for my Valentines day. I came to school and gave cards to most of the people i wanted to give cards to. and of course i got her something: a teddy bear and a card and a box of chocolate. She hugged me first... and then right before the period started she run up to me and gave me another huge hug... - probably she read the letter... one of my friends saw it, and made conclusions: "we are not gonna be friends anymore" she said: "because you're going to be together with her." she asked me:"Why did you do it?" and i said: "Because I'm in love". At the end of the day, of course i didn't want the girl i like to see someone else in my jacket, but i let my friend to borrow it, so i was like:"can i have my jacket back?" the friend:"is it because of the girl" and i said: "Yes" so she got pissed off... I mean it's okay to wear my jacket, but after i get together with the girl, otherwise it seems that i'm a jerk who just tries to pick up some chicks - which is not true. Now, probably i lost another friend, and stayed single for Valentines day... eh, w/e...i can get over it easily... =D... and anyways: who knows what is going to happen?!



Later this day: other friend called, she was trying to fix everything for me and the girl who got pissed at me today... she was crying... stupid bitch said something mean to her... i just don't know what to now... i mean: what's wrong with me liking a girl... what, am i supposed to live as single, because of all my friends... but i need love... i know real friends will understand me, and wouldn't care much... they would rather support me than break me down.



hahah, i'm giving free psychlogical sessions today... =D

<3 KO

@музыка: Run away - Cartel

@настроение: good

@темы: Вопросы, Воспоминания, Мысли вслух, Позитив, Точка зрения, Чувства

---

"duh"!

I say this word so many times these days... maybe because everything lost it's taste... no more life, or actually real life, just the pain.... My friend today - i hug her everyday, so that everyone thinks we are a couple - said that we are not going to hug anymore, because of what people say... people don't even know what they say... should it matter? why does everyone care so much about their reputation, it's just another word without the meaning... something that is assumed to have value... this single word causes people to fake, to pretend to be someone they will never be... so, you know what i said to her: Okay... Good luck in your life... I think that i don't need friends who are ashamed of us being friends... I'm honestly tired... today talked to Bree for a few moments, and... she wanted to say something, i felt it, but she couldn't - what holds her from it? she just torchures me, telling about how excited she was, but why all this games? why all this shining cover? where is the love now?why does it have to end up like that, isn't there any other way out from here... maybe there is, but i don't see it today, maybe i won't see it tomorrow, but i will see it soon, because i want to see it... i want to see it... I'll be a loner for a while, again, as always - with friends but betrayed by most of them... and the rest just pretend to be friends... at the same time the REAL friends are far away, and i miss them dearly... duh... i guess i become nothing... duh... i guess this is the end... duh... the game of one story and the begining of anoher one...

<3 KO

@музыка: silence...

@настроение: sleepy

@темы: Вопросы, Мысли вслух, Точка зрения, Чувства

---

1 Имя: KO

2.Ники:KO, Darkromance

3.День рождения:07-18-88

4.Цвет глаз: hazel+greenish+goldish

5.Цвет волос: now - black

6.Рост: 5'10"

7.Куришь? yes sir

8.Умеешь играть на каком-нибудь музыкальном инструменте? learning

9.Веришь в жизнь на других планетах? yes

10.Помнишь свою первую любовь? yes

11.Все еще любишь её? no

12.Считаешь любовь ошибкой? nope

13.Любишь вкус алкоголя? nope



КОГДА ТЫ В ПОСЛЕДНИЙ РАЗ:



1.Плакал? like 15 days ago or so?

2..Врал? i don't remember

3. Грустил? like 2 days ago

4. Слушал музыку? yesterday

5.Делал что-нибудь полезное? hmmm, fo who?

6.Красил волосы? last saturday

7. Звонил кому-нибудь? yesterday

8.Смеялся? yesterday



У ТЕБЯ ЕСТЬ:



1.Домашние животные? yes

2. Пирсинг- nope

3.Татуировки? not yet

4. Особые интересы? reading, and creating

5.Тайная любовь? nope

6. Коллекция? not anymore

7 Лучший друг? don't believe in best friends, sorry... close friends: ALICE, ALEX

8. Плохие привычки? smoking?

9.Враг? none



В ДАННЫЙ МОМЕНТ:



1.Одежда: t-shirt+shorts and underwear

2. Настроение: indifferent

3. Косметика:not now

4. Музыка: none

5.Что раздражает: robots world based on stereotypes

6. Запах: have 12 of them at the moment

7 Что я должен делать: homework



ТВОЙ ВЫБОР:



1.ICQ или SMS? AIM

2.Июль или январь? July

3. Город или деревня? city

4. Друзья или подруги? both

5. Интернет или реальная жизнь? real life

6 Кошки или собаки? dogs

7. Косметика или её отсутствие? depends

8.Нежно или страстно? hmmm, both?

9. Фильм или прогулка? either one

10. Жарко или холодно? cold

11.Прошлое или будущее? present

12. Чай или кофе? tea

13.Интернет или книжка? both

14.Шум или тишина? silence

15.Длинные волосы или короткие? long

16. Рок или поп? music

17.Шоколад горький или сладкий? sweet

18.Жить или умереть? good one, i don't know

19.Любить или быть влюбленным? both

20. Ночь или день? night

21.Одежда или ее отсутствие? hmmm, presence

22. Боль или страх? fear

23. Шесть или семь? 8

24.Проза или поэзия? both

25. Слава или деньги? the better one would be: death or glory: glory

@музыка: w/e

@настроение: w/e

@темы: Вопросы

---

hookah bar

I've been out with my friends smoking hookah yesterday night... and i still can smell the flavor... to be honest: i smoked too much this time, and my nervous system got stressed: first my left ear stopped hearing sounds, second, my hands were electrolized... and 3rd - i felt dizzy. weird... but my caugh went away. We were playing cards and discussing about life... then we went to Stans house to watch a movie, Fight club. Movie tells to live for the moment, and it's not the best movie about it, but i like it... other than that: was reading diaries, and found this:

YOU WON'T EVER GET WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

Is it really true? maybe it is, i mean, i want many things dearly, but they don't enter my life, maybe i'm on the wrong bus in this time flow. or maybe i'm walking along it and looking for something that the flow just cannot give me, or doesn't want to give me... should i be less desperate? should i be less sensitive to the signs... should i be someone who doesn't want anything, and gets everything... I try to live the life to the fullest, i do whatever i want to do, or at least try, but nothing happens to me, just like snow never happend in jungles.



i don't have much to ask, nor have much to want, but sometimes i think maybe it's because i don't really NEED it? And people just live, they don't care about some weird stuff, they don't think about death so much, or about spirits and mind power and soul, they just live, they take more from life than i am, but yet less than i do. I take questions, and they take everything else, these creates inbalance. and i feel left out and lonely, because people don't understand me, not because of my accent, but because we speak about different things... I'm talking of being successful as to be able to MAKE all wishes to come true at any time, and they see it as GET all desires to be real, no matter what...



<3 KO

@музыка: We are all to blame - sum 41

@настроение: just woke up

@темы: Вопросы

---

somebody between other somebodies

today girl said: take off your hood, Ko! You're not emo... and it made me mad, not because of the fact that she said the first sentence, i'm agree with it completely, but because of other one: why did she assume i wear my hood because i'm emo, okay, i look emo, a bit, but i'm not, and i don't try to be... does it mean I'm a fake, not really... after this i started to think of who i really am... am i a peron to be used by others, or am i the king of the world, am I a robot, or a dinosawr, am i love, or even am i hate... and i couldn't find the answer, just maybe i'm a human, and all that makes me different from that girl is the fact that i used to love her... bullshit, just an excuse of my role confusion...



I've decided something, i'm gonna smile more, and speak louder, and live for the moment enjoy it every ingle time, cuz if i die tomorrow, and i always worried about what if, i cannot really say that i lived... i wouldn't be able to say anything anyways... heh... just don't know who am i? and what i'm for in this world... gah?!

<3 KO



It's our time to shine,

and every day i just get stronger...

@музыка: A BOX FULL OF SHARP OBJECTS

@настроение: confused

@темы: Вопросы

---

chances

do you believe in giving people many millions of chances... i would say yes, if you really love them, i would really say yes, if i really would love someone... right now i'm confused, no i'm not, i'm just empty, i write lyrics... i write songs, i write music, I create novels, the novels never read again by me... i write poems that would bleed everytime i read them... but what the hell? why am i worried about life and it's meaning, when there is no life left, there is nothing left, just emptiness... and i'm not avoiding Alexandra.







alex: yes you are and it breaking my heart....everything u said turn out to be a big lie. i don't want to go all bitchy on u but damn u get me pissed off when you go into your empty/emop moods...you push eveeyone u care about away...as much as u hate to admit it I TIHNK YOU WANT TO END UP ALONE SO EVERYONE CAN PITY U!!!!!!!!!



Dear readers, do you agree with it?





Alex: yes they should...because it is true.. i'd say you were a jerk except you are so plite and nice!



thank you Alex...





alex: great i end up looking like the bitvchy pocessive lil sis again..which is true but it is only because i care about ou and i don't want to continue to screw up ur luife just like you don't want me to screw mine up....friends till the end? or does that just go for bree?



Me and Bree actually have a bad period now, and i get emo because of it, but more it's like: i need to fill up emptiness and i don't want to use you to do it!





alex: and i don't want you to! every time you got hru ur periods which is more of every sngle day then not, kathy and i have to watch you suffer..we ask what is wrong anfd then u make me look like the enemy and then u shut urself away from everyone who cares about you &hearts;





just post tthis damn thing you don't always hsave to have the last word! be a man about it!

@музыка: no music

@настроение: jumping

@темы: Вопросы