Do you see, what I've done, I'm making such a fool of myself

Keep smiling, because nothing really matters. Keep smiling because there is nothing left to do, nothing left to say. Screams of you drowning would not be heard, as they are irrelevant. Water is salty, and glass is full. I need to get out, but snapping out of it doesn't seem to be an option in this forgotten by god and devil city. I seem to be falling and falling, and unlike Alice in wonderland i will never reach the bottom, not soon, I won't let myself. My mask is still on, and it is burning me from the inside. I am a clown in a circus of irony, misery, and depression. A marionette of a skilled puppeteer. A mannequin locked behind a crystal clear shell, dressed and fed, but left alone.

SAVE ME...

@темы: Чувства

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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this is how i feel

I feel angry and eager, anxious and desperate... i feel bad and fucking sad... I can't forgive myself for the emotions i experience... when i'm with friends i forget about it, and then i'm alone, alone with my thoughts... this hatred, caused by jeleousy... I can't know why, i can't know how... i'm scared... Am i really that bad, am i really so worthless... i don't deserve anything? i'm confused... I need some fresh air.... and i can't find it, all is filled with poisnous gases left by the arrows of words... Every living picture is frozen now, there is no correct shape, there is no real smile, there is just lie... it's hanging from the top of the worlds tree, it became our new sun, we can't live without it... We want others to lie to our face and we are too weak to admit truth... it's not appreciated anymore. i just wish i wasn't alone spending all this nights... watching candles on the tips of my dreams, with truth on the tip of my tongue, the words so honest that many would be afraid to even hear them... maybe i'm different, maybe i'm not, believe me i don't ever try to complicate anything, i just can't stand it anymore. Watching other people living in lie yet getting what they want to. maybe the world is based on the lie principle: the more you lie, the more you get. eh...

I'm a wave, and i fade away when i meet the shore.

I wonder, just wonder...



words: Useless, worthless, just a person, suffers, doesn't deserve anything?

@музыка: taking back sunday

@настроение: duh

@темы: Вопросы, Мысли вслух, Чувства

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distances and my kickass girlfriend

tomorrow... tomorrow i'll see what's gonna happen... me and Bree were supposed to go out tomorrow, and i don't know if we still will... i need to ask her, but i'm afraid... to be honest... i'm afraid to go out with her, because when we are nearby each other we don't speak... why? because we know that another one thinks exactly the same thoughts... And yeah, we look at each other and see ourselves, like two mirrors facing each other, pure, brutal, maybe mean, but also honest and oppened to people. We understand ourselves and we understand people around, at least we try. We really care, but sometimes feel lonely. yes we feel Lonely. I'm tired of people pretending to be something they are not and i look for some respect, maybe care, some effort to give something back. like today i realized that my friends are actually far away from me, and i'm all alone, my mom is far. my closest friends are far and friends who are here, in the US, by my side are so far away too, but in the different way... because one of them has a girlfriend, and i understand it, but he thinks it's all that easy, another one goes to study too much... maybe it's me who pushes people away, but i'm honest, brutally honest lately, so i think that honesty pushes them away. they are afraid of it i guess... and they don't understand that they will have to face it someday. I spend hours with my girlfriend (my bass-guitar) just playing melodies... simple melodies... it makes me forget about a lot of stuff that is going on... haha

anyways, i need someone close, because everyone is getting too far.

<3 KO

@темы: Мысли вслух, Чувства

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Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me

I know you well enough to know you never loved me

aking back sunday

Eh, love, what is it anyways, just a feeling between many others, urge similar to a desire to eat, sleep, have sex... but it's nothing actually, is it the feeling at all, maybe it's just an arousal of every cell of your body... or flaming of thousands neurons at the same time... or maybe it's just pieces of the broken heart in front of you... and people learn yoga, they walk across this pieces, and don't feel pain, don't feel anything, they don't care about something so material as love. material? why did it became material? I wonder sometimes what's it all for? and i can't find the answer... i heard love fades away, and becomes just a piece of old coal that barely gives any heat... love is sometimes like winter - so freezing that your eyes get filled with tears and all body hurts... we break down when we love sometimes, there are just a few lucky ones who can coexist... when i say love i remember the picture i saw some time ago... and i'll post it here... love is selfish... and warm, it keeps us alive, but it also makes us dead... dead inside and outside... after sometime you just stop feeling it, just stop existing as a person, more like a wolf or a raven, who can't feel love. love disappears, life does to... i mean we live, we break bones, scatter our dreams, walk around, question people, seek for something and then we die, and we become useless? not remebered and forgotten, we live for a while in the hearts of people who cared about us, and when they dies, probably no one will remeber you with this feeling of love and passion, and you wouldn't probably care anyways... heh.... but what is love anyways, what is it?

<3 KO

@музыка: Taking back sunday

@настроение: questions

@темы: Вопросы, Мысли вслух, Чувства

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seconds of reality

So here i go again, I'm not so mad at people anymore, they actually care, they really do care about me, but their care to me is like a cage for a bird... they still feed it, they still love it, but they never let it out, they never let it go... because they bought it, just like they created me, so they consider me to be their property... they don't give me a chance to work, they think that i'm nothing, but if you think about today, is there any person then who is worth something... like really, is there anyone who's not nothing... yes there is, it's special someone, who gives you flowers and teddy bears on valentines day, it's someone who even sends a small card that says i love you... it's someone who calls you every night, just to say 5 words: I love you, good night... this person probably is crashed into you, like a runaway train, maybe you don't really care about this person, but you have the connection - you make this person to breath again everytime he's talking to you... Yesterday i had a deep conversation: or maybe not so deep one... but in the middle of it i said: "i went on the roof and was listening to music until the battery went off" and she said: we do same things... so guess what happened next? I asked her out, she was thinking for some time, i felt that she was smiling, and she said: sure... i want us to be together, but i don't know what is going to happen: all that i know is that i need her, and a car to go to this date... =D

<3 KO

@музыка: Crashed into you

@настроение: good i guess

@темы: Вопросы, Воспоминания, Мысли вслух, Позитив, Чувства

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about being upset...

I'm almost crying... such a distrust, disrespect and offense... they have plans for me, they have hopes, but why don't they just set me free... to do whatever i want to? why not? I wish i was an animal, an ant, so i would die, and i wouldn't even think of it... i wouldn't care - ant doesn't have enough brain power to care... fuck... i need an escape... duh... i've tried 1 cigarette in my entire fucking life, and they consider me addicted already... I had one bottle of beer in my entire life, and i'm an alcoholic for them already! stupid... how can they think that:"oh no, he have tried some taste in life - he must be lost forever alread" how can they say: "think of it" if they don't let me think... did they ever think that it was their fault that i had that beer or smoked that cigatrette... and it was... yes, because i find my escape from them... just like a rebel... i want a lot, my dreams come true, but not in the way i want... in the way everyone else planed... i need an escape... i need a job... i just need something to survive... something to develop myself into a person i want to be... FUCK! i mean why? they don't believe me, they don't trust me, but they know that i'm right... they know that i am... what do we live for? to get money, to make plans? what for - you can die every other moment, and no one will remember your plans for future, someone will get the insurance money, and that's gonna be it... what happened to people, where is carpe diem idea... where is trust... where is real hope, lost between two lagest deserts of the world... or sank in the indian ocean... dissosiated in iced wated, absobt by diet coke... where is fire of love, all i can see is thousands of burned people, who lost their hope, lost their love, they lost their lifes, they exist for pleasure that they will never reach... why even the closest to me person does it... who to trust, if no one wants to trust you?

<3 KO

@музыка: some screamo

@настроение: disguasted

@темы: Вопросы, Воспоминания, Мысли вслух, Точка зрения, Чувства

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about Valentine's days

from the time i remember myself, i never liked Valentine's day... I didn't like it because i was jeleous, or maybe just sad to be single. And last year i even lost a friend on this day... But today, i've decided to be responsible for my Valentines day. I came to school and gave cards to most of the people i wanted to give cards to. and of course i got her something: a teddy bear and a card and a box of chocolate. She hugged me first... and then right before the period started she run up to me and gave me another huge hug... - probably she read the letter... one of my friends saw it, and made conclusions: "we are not gonna be friends anymore" she said: "because you're going to be together with her." she asked me:"Why did you do it?" and i said: "Because I'm in love". At the end of the day, of course i didn't want the girl i like to see someone else in my jacket, but i let my friend to borrow it, so i was like:"can i have my jacket back?" the friend:"is it because of the girl" and i said: "Yes" so she got pissed off... I mean it's okay to wear my jacket, but after i get together with the girl, otherwise it seems that i'm a jerk who just tries to pick up some chicks - which is not true. Now, probably i lost another friend, and stayed single for Valentines day... eh, w/e...i can get over it easily... =D... and anyways: who knows what is going to happen?!



Later this day: other friend called, she was trying to fix everything for me and the girl who got pissed at me today... she was crying... stupid bitch said something mean to her... i just don't know what to now... i mean: what's wrong with me liking a girl... what, am i supposed to live as single, because of all my friends... but i need love... i know real friends will understand me, and wouldn't care much... they would rather support me than break me down.



hahah, i'm giving free psychlogical sessions today... =D

<3 KO

@музыка: Run away - Cartel

@настроение: good

@темы: Вопросы, Воспоминания, Мысли вслух, Позитив, Точка зрения, Чувства

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about the begining of Valentines day!

So here is the thing, i woke up late today, good sign i guess - i had extra time to sleep.... finally... even though it was just 32 more minutes... I got something for the girl... i dunno, who she talks about, but maybe she thinks that i'm not single, and that makes her cry... or maybe she's talking about some other guy... i don't really know... and i don't really care, i just want her to know and finally realize that i love her still... words about chances and tries wrote in the card... i'm not asking for those in there, i just say that if i had another chance with you, i would take it... the guita looks awesome, but i need to find some time to play it... duh... so, i'll write more in the evening, to tell you what actually happened... k?

<3 KO

@настроение: hoping

@темы: Мысли вслух, Чувства

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"duh"!

I say this word so many times these days... maybe because everything lost it's taste... no more life, or actually real life, just the pain.... My friend today - i hug her everyday, so that everyone thinks we are a couple - said that we are not going to hug anymore, because of what people say... people don't even know what they say... should it matter? why does everyone care so much about their reputation, it's just another word without the meaning... something that is assumed to have value... this single word causes people to fake, to pretend to be someone they will never be... so, you know what i said to her: Okay... Good luck in your life... I think that i don't need friends who are ashamed of us being friends... I'm honestly tired... today talked to Bree for a few moments, and... she wanted to say something, i felt it, but she couldn't - what holds her from it? she just torchures me, telling about how excited she was, but why all this games? why all this shining cover? where is the love now?why does it have to end up like that, isn't there any other way out from here... maybe there is, but i don't see it today, maybe i won't see it tomorrow, but i will see it soon, because i want to see it... i want to see it... I'll be a loner for a while, again, as always - with friends but betrayed by most of them... and the rest just pretend to be friends... at the same time the REAL friends are far away, and i miss them dearly... duh... i guess i become nothing... duh... i guess this is the end... duh... the game of one story and the begining of anoher one...

<3 KO

@музыка: silence...

@настроение: sleepy

@темы: Вопросы, Мысли вслух, Точка зрения, Чувства

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what kind of answer is That?

i finally got some answer from her... she likes 3 guys, and i'm one of them, what am i supposed to say... okay what are my chances... it's hard for her i understand... decided to give her more time... but i don't want her to too much of it... i know im quiet, romantic, maybe shy... but you can't just change who i am... i don't want to take on the mask... i want her to love me for who i am, but not for who she wants me to be... it's a dead end anyways



I take guitar classes every monday now, and i'm always very excited about those... cuz they are just awesome... and i think i'll get good very soon... just need some practice every day... my mom is painting now... i'm very concerned about her, and it seems sometimes she doesn't care about herself, causing pain to all of us her children...



my brother called, he smokes weed and it's not something unusual, just good health to him!



It's finals week now and i'm very stressed, or actually not, i'm not stressed... to be honest i just want to pass classes... and it's excitening... how i try to do everything all together at the same time... my english essay was about carpe diem... and i wrote about what i see around... i heard many songs: live for the moment... and those are the ones that we especially like, however we never do live for the moment, i wonder why... but it doesn't matter much...



i need someone to take care of me, i feel so innocent and insecure... this is my false bravery i show people... it's odd... it's just not to lose this thread with real world... right now i need the hand so i won't fall too deep into irathional...

<3 KO

@музыка: Lost prophets - rooftops

@настроение: excited

@темы: Чувства