<3 Ko
I confess: i smoke, and smoke a lot, smoke different stuff, and i might be even addicted to some. Nicotine makes me feel relaxed, makes me feel confident and makes me do amazing things, i don't know why. I feel how every single cell of my body is filled up with smoke and how it is suffering from intoxication, but at the same time it enjoys this toxic white smelling liquid like substence, that i exhail from my mouth, and nose... I didn't smoke for too long, for 11 days, and i feel that i need it. hoping to get a car soon, so i can smoke more. But one of my frinds thinks that i changed, changed a lot. He blames smoking for it, but it is not true, i changed way before, long time ago, i became sort of indifferent and loving, scared and confident, Broken hearted and smiling. I don't remember the last time i was sad, i've been mad though, and was writing in my diary like crazy, 100s of thoughts and desires, disappointments and smiles, plans for the future, that don't make sense, and i suddenly realized, how happy i am, and at the same time how alone, just like the first flower in spring, or last green leaf in fall, i stay alone and there is no one to share my happiness. no one to hold my hand, plants don't have hands though. Feeling that there is not a lot that can help you to move, cuz your legs are glued to the ground with the roots. And i stay like that, wait for someone to appear or for the wind to take me away, so that i can just finish this pointless existence. all of this was for a simple reason: i need to love, i need to fall in love, or get addicted, and i need to have someone who loves me back, so that i won't feel so left out in the ocean of snow and ice of the cruel world, that HE created.
