bliat' again

Le Chat Called, like nothing happened yesterday... and was like can you borrow me a white shirt... what a dick!
I don't really want to write lately, just like saying the word...





BLIAT'

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and here it is!

ciggs, yeah, i smoked again today - getting addicted... well today was good, was exciting and a little bit sad, but a bit sad, i will get over it at some point... =D
Just wanted to clear things out.
Tea... I like the tea, especially when it's not hot and not cold yet... when it's not burning the tongue, and when it's not freezing it.
I like the stars and i like the fields, but i like my roof, and i like myself, i like sunsets and birds, and animals and trees, yes trees... they are so green and full of life and they are really pretty in autumn when the leaves start their secondlike dance towards the ground.
and i like the books, i like the books... and many more...
i need to sleep, i gave in myself too much... i really did... and i'm energy empty now, almost empty...
<3 KO

PS: just for Alice: thanks for being such a great friend, i really appreciate it... <3 KO

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new word

new word i use a lot: bliat'... and ciggs...
=D
<3 KO

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best friends...? huh? wtf?

i dont know what happened?
and what the hell is goin' on! with KO!

between US!
He isnt interestin'! em boreing with him!
I cant talk to him well! any themes!!!! its stupid! i cant find themes to talk to him, i try! he too, but as i see its ok with him...

he became so strange... dont u think so!
i havent talk to him 10 days!!!! i just called him on his B-day and then it was ok, seems like nothing happened!

i hate his gait! his women manner.... yaks!

and believe me- if he is EMO there, he is another man here! better b EMO,

he has emptiness inside! he is egoist and i dont know what he is dreaming about, maybe you know?

and i'm tired to be a HEAD of our friendship! WE should b hEADs together! (...if u know what i mean...)
please. dont tell him this...



So,! Shirts!!! Great Thank you!



my fucking "best friend" how he likes to call himself, and some stupid girl... i mean really what the fuck?!
<3 KO

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so here we go again

again emotions again, breaking the head in fronof the wall, suicidal notes and some weird pictures that i draw. The net still does not really work well, and i do care, cuz it's important for my visa and crap. I want to be with the girl, but i have no idea how can this be possible, maybe just as a summer fling, but i know it is not what i want - i want a serious relationship, she? well, i doubt it, she has way too many guys to like at the same time, and this bugs me, not too much... well if it was just about attraction i woulkdn't care, but i guess it's more, cuz i do care about her a lot, shit i really do... i'm fading like a fucking fire, and melting in her eyes, well, yes i do not speak much, but we have this little moments that no one else gets - like too fucking kids in the sand, playing with stuff and all that. and then we go to the bathroom together, and sit together trying to fall, it's too weird and too simple, too young and full of life, i can't see what's gonna happen tomorrow and i wouldn't be excited if i could, but for today i have to admit after many questions and conserns: i still love her, no matter what happens i do, not the way like a priest likes a goddes, or a piligrim his way, i like her the way she is, no more no less. and maybe at some point deep inside she likes me too...
<3 KO

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indeed it is true

I just really am confused, and i guess a little bit in love, maybe not a little bit, most likely it's just an attraction, but anyways, i need to get my visa and i'm getting my secon tattoo tomorrow - the tree of life, yes, celtic symbol - very powerful! i'm going with my friends, and i'm glad to do it this way.
Le Chat called me today, and i would say it's really different. He was all excied about the movie he wants to make, he wants my help, but, WHAT THE FUCK, why would i do something for the thing i do not consider even close to my dream, to my desire. I have my own time, and he has his own, i can't understand why would he want to waste my time, for the movie he wants to make. I do not care.
Marat is back here for maybe 2 weeks, and that's good, i'm more easy going this year so i think that he liked it to see us.
My Friend Alice is not having the best time in her life right now, but listen to this: I love her the way she is! and everything is gonna be alright, cuz we are not real losers, it's just the time of the life when we happened to take this part in the play. Hugs and support... =D
I didn't see my bro for a while and i do not really care...
and also: my friends in the US are getting mad cuz of my university shit that is going on... I'm still trying to lose some weight, they say i've lost too much already, but hey, it's kinda my life and my body so far.
To the girl, who never reads this: I think i'm fallin' for you my dear...
Mom is doing good, i wish her more time to sleep, and dad is happy with the new camera that i thought was the lightning.
Oh, btw, there is a lot of romantic shit around: like roses out of nowhere, people saying you're beautiful with or without eyebrows... and much more, like poetry that i didn't know much... and walks in the rain, or when it's evening, sunsets and stars seen from the snow, shit... i mean shit... which is not a part of romantic thing... I didn't write here for a while and hope this post gets through... and one more time just for you:
I LOVE YOU!
<3 KO

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hey ya, or whatever it is

maybe it really was hey ya, maybe it was something else, i don't really care, they try.. this strangers try to talk to me about stuff - different stuff.. but... i can't... i want to talk to someone else, and tell her all my feelings. i'm not sure if there is much to say, but i might just give it a try... cuz there is always a chance, even a small one that she might like me back... and i think that this chance is pretty cool to have... there are words there are letters and games that we play, but who knows what's going to happen, i do not know... and i'm afraid: i don't even want to know. Movies, and farie tales - sometimes i wish my life was something alike, but i'm not sure that it will be anything like that. i dunno, maybe.. i loook for something, i really do, but does it matter, does it make as much sense in it. I do not know... i forgot what i'm looking for, so i'm in search for something that actually is nothing. yeah, and it keeps going around... anyways words make people stronger and weaker, they hurt me too, you know. but i become more and more narcisstic, and i do not know if it is good or not, i just get confused to be honest...
i need hookah and i need tea, with friends. maybe i want too much - but who knows?!
<3 KO

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по-русски

хотелось сегодня написать на этом языке, вдохновленный только что купленым диском александра васильева, я, сижу здесь и думаю... думаю что влюбляюсь. причем кажется что глубоко. Я не прошу ответной любви, я все пойму, но я хочу что бы ты хотя бы приняла ту часть меня которая живет лишь тобой. ты наверное не прочтешь эти строки долго-долго, но это не важно, ведь это не для тебя, а обо мне и для меня... под звуки музыки я гружусь а ты уже далеко, смеешься наверное, улыбаешься с другим, но это ничего, ничего что я завидую, завидую тем рукам, что ложаться на твою талию, и тем губам которых касаешься своими. Я мечтаю о тепле твоего теле, и я люблю твою душу. И зачем на самом деле я влюбляюсь в практически не доступных девушек?! Наверное мне нравиться самого себя ,винить и бичевать. Я то ведь сформированный парень, говорят добрый, говорят честный, говорят разумный, говорят привлекательный, а я то знаю теперь что не всегда такой. Но в большенстве случаев я надеюсь что люди говорящие это правы. Но сейчас такое многим девушкам не нужно, нужны другие, но такие как все, а я другой, совсем другой... Больше похож на изрисованый лист бумаги, когда все остальные чисты, или лишь запачканы парой капель. Каждая капля - шрам, мысль, идея, казалось бы никчемная и пустая но исполненная смыслом утеряных лет. А вообще каждый человек - лист, изрисованый лист, но мне кажется что мой изресован больше других листов, но в то же время меньше. не могу этого объяснить. ты ведь все равно все поймешь по моим глазам, но уйдешь ли испугано, или ответишь другим взглядом. я не знаю..... и ты еще не знаешь........................................... никто не знает.

@музыка: radio

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hmmmm, is it just me?

heh, got it in a stupid way, why did i start this game... i have no idea, i wish i knew why... maybe this is what love is, or maybe i let the player inside of me to do his thing. anyways it went too far, and now i'm afraid, cuz it's a dangerous game. love is just a word, that was something that i said, but now i put myself in a weird position, cuz i dunno i didn't see her for weeks and i still see her picture in my memory. It's like viagra - one look and i'm all into you.



there is so many ways you know, but i don't really understand why i chose this one, well, at least i made my choice, and now i need to think about the way i can work with it. ciggs... no... hookah - that is a thing i need. creepy.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...

hmmm, maybe i really am a loser, hehe, well it's just a game, after a while it will become just another story... but for now i'll keep playing... cuz it's easy so far... when i'll see her next time i'll see what my game creaTED....



give me a sign... and i'll do my best to interpret it well...

lol...

<3 KO

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love ect.... ect... ect..

i dunno, what really is love? is it suffering and hope that someone will love you back, or is it something that you give, but ask nothing back, maybe moving on, maybe staying behind. I want to give my love to someone, but i just can't imagine how... well, everyone asks if there is a person to save them, i would say there is, just look around. and also how do you wan to be saved, maybe i'm not the one to save you... eh, , i wish i could but you don't give me a chance, so i'll just move on, because i think i found the one i actually CAN save

<3 KO

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Korean face: huh?

cigarettes... smoke... smile... and all thoughts about you my dear. about you girl. you took my heart so strong, like roots of fallen trees. The stars appear in the sky everyday, so maybe somebody cares? maybe you care the same way, maybe not... Maybe it's just like red garlic, on the dirty snow, or maybe it's just a screen of sms messages that i dare never send you yet... or just a dust of fallen stars that shine for you, and fall for me, so we can meet when gates were oppened for us, so we could breath that toxic gas from heaven hell, or maybe earth, we need to meet again.... i guess...



Heh, so there is that girl, i like her, and i dream of her, again, just like in winter... it's funny how it is?! another thing: Alice! Lets go to TEA N' COFFEE GARDEN?

<3 KO

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hold on to it

well, today was a nice day, i had a haircut... It's okay, and i even like it, however for the past few days i felt extremely emo... i can't stand it anymore, sometimes i say to myself. Yes, i look strong, and wise and smart, like i know too much for my age, however, I'm just the person, the person who listens to songs by and reading poems, by . Those are awesome, beautiful and so deep. and what is deep inside of me? what can i see?



Let me tell you, there is my face, the teary roads go down slowly from the eyes, and a cig is sticking from my mouth. Smoking, so covered by walls from all the sides. Like in the box, like a sour sause inside of sweet caramel - this is my flavor. this is what i see. I see people listening to me, they say thank you for the advise, but they don't get that i don't give advices. But i want them to think again: i don't ask anything for my help, so why do they try to help me? if they don't even see me through, who are they comapring to other people, who really care. They use the words i used to them, but all people are different, and what the way i phraised it to them or someone else doesn't work the same way! it doesn't even make sense. HOW CAN YOU SEE MY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS, IF YOU DON'T EVEN GET WHAT YOU FEEL YOURSELF. Or why do you pretend to know something, when actually you don't. people become cocky and ugly, repeating my words without any reason, without any sense, with one intention: to help, but who asked for your help? your help doesn't help Oat. Your help just hurts my feelings, and if you think you fucking know psychology go to someone else, and don't ask me to help you. Help yourself you know. Don't use my words against me, because i know which words to use, and you just copy. which is not right. It is not right. So my suggestion to you, or to be clear recomendation: watch your tongue!

<3 KO



next thing that bothers me: i dunno, i had a dream about two girls, and i like both of them, and i don't know what to do. i just don't. Maybe i should try to hook up with them, but i know there would be people against it. i have no idea. i have no idea....



anyways, moving on, i'm moving on.

<3 KO

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roads, real faces, and some shadows

yeah, I'm back to kazakhstan, having fun, kinda, when i go out to the city, or somewhere else. Yesterday i was walking back home after we had the evening of the summer. We smoked hookah with absent, water, milk... i got so dizzy, and realized i'm pretty weak and wasted, but it's okay, alice took me outside, so i felt better, we got back and 3 "demons" came over to pick up my brother. haha. Le chat went home with them... and Alice and I were walking around the city talking about stuff that many would think is silly, many wouldn't even bother to think about however we didn't care, it was important to us, it was real, and it was honest. And i like it. Bad service at American Bar and Grill pissed me off, not really, but just a little bit, and a dude who thought that Alice and i were Americans, was funny, cuz we don't even look like americans... or do we? maybe we are just this cool and hot - at the same time... heh. So anyways I was walking down the road, It was dark... I couldn't see anything, i was getting worried, because i called alice and she didn't pick up... though we talked later. I was walking and thinking: hmmm, what's that all about? i wonder... i walk down the road - same old road of my life - i walk alone at the moment, but i know there are so many other roads around, some cross mine, some are paralel, people walk down those roads intersecting and just passing by me... but there is a road that i'm still looking for, they call it extremely consistent, the road that is so close to your own, so that it seems that it is the same. I have a lot to go, and i passed a lot, far more than an average person of my age, yet less, cuz i never had problems, and i shall avoid those. I don't think i need trouble to amaze myself, because there is so much more than that. There is always a good book to read, loving famil to spend time with, Hookah with best friends ever, and just life, that is waiting for me, for us, for all the strangers and friends walking down the roads, we just don't notice it sometimes, we just don't recognize it, and then get depressed, cuz we think we are not happy, and satisfied. I have a life to live, i have a road to go though, and i'm happy i have a chance to do so!

<3 KO

@музыка: Boulevard of broken dreams

@настроение: hungry

@темы: Воспоминания, Мысли вслух, Позитив, Точка зрения

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eh

yeah, it comes and goes, and i cannot follow it, i cannot teach people if they don't want to be taught, i cannot help you guys unless you at least respect me enough not to reveal my personal information to everyone. I mean seriously, why do i have to do it, keep your secrets? why? well, i guess it doesn't mean to you much anyways... on the other hand, why do you guys talk back to me, and ask me for help, when i need help myself, can't you guys see it, for real... seriously? it's easy: i'm fucking busy and freaking out and you guys are happy, and ask me to help, like if i was doing nothing, it's unfair, at least give me MY time to live. Well, from now on i shall not care if you don't care about me, your promises are lies, and i don't even want to be a part of those lies, i will disappear, disappear in a search for friends who will actually care. So far i can name just a few people that truly do, 2 in the US and 1 in KZ... maybe i'm selfish i do not know, but i have something i value, and as i see you guys don't...

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headache notes

Just came back from hookah bar, kinda light headed, also have a headache... thinking still, randomly though, but it's okay, i don't really care... want to sleep, but have questions... yeah, i'd say it's the same thing: they call it love and stuff, funny how i always thought i never experienced love... Now there is a girl who writes notes in my notebook... they say: "i love you..." really? "sorta, you're good at math" hmmm, and there is another one, that loves talking to me, and i dunno if they really like me... there is not much to like, cutie... yes, true, but what else, why don't you do something, cutie... because this cutie doesn't care much, and then makes himself suffer... for what... ??? why? weird question, keeps following me... just need to ask one question: How do you feel about US... and eerything is going to be clear, but i dare not ask it...

<3 KO

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about the special one

this is what i wrote to the girl i guess... i borrowed something from my friend Alice, i hope she does not mind, cuz there are many stars that shine for that girl, there are even more that shine for Alice though, yes, she's such a grreat person!



well, i have to confess i guess, i was in love, i am in love, but i don't know if i'll be in love much after a few years. I mean, really... what is love, i don't even know this word, no one was there to really teach me, show me what is love. I was in love, I am in love, some of my friends will define it as pathetic waste of time... I would never agree with it, it's just i might not be satisfied, not happy, even suffering from my thoughts, but i will still smile and feel better every time you fell good, safe, secure. I will remember you as a special one, beautiful, the example for all the ladies. Like perfect. Look in the sky, even stars are shining for you, just for you and they could had shine for us... but they don't need anything else, but to make you smile. to make you laugh... What is love when there really is not much of it left?



I think i can't get her out of my mind... i can't get rid of a wish to run up to her and hug and never let go, even though i understand that we are in a different position... I wish someone could help me...

<3 Ko

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about reactions and other sucky stuff

I have to face it, have to face it today, or maybe tomorrow. I'm not scared no, just disguasted by the thought that my parents are going to scream at me because of one mistake i made. I mean: how many mistakes they made, and their parents yelled at them, so they should know that it doesn't change much, why do they do it still?! i just can't understand... but whatever... i think they will get that there is no point in screaming, i hope they will... cuz yeah, it really sux for me... fuck... they should get that the person who feels bad is me, and the person yelled on is going to feel just worse. just worse.

<3 Ko

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cards and other stuff, F13

Yesterday was the day when everyone is freaking out, and it really was a lousy day for me: i went to the park, the girl, my friends sister, that looks at me with some weird blink in her eyes fainted. We were in the line for tickets, and she fell. suddenly, so that i couldn't even catch her. She fell on her chin and started to bleed there, opened eyes with question on her lips: what happened?! i took her to the medical care, cuz her brother was kinda busy. so then we went to the hospital: we had to go through 2 or 3 of them before we found the one we needed, and right at this moment: her dad called, and said that he will pick her up. We got to the city at 12 am, and it was 6:00 when he picked her up. I had a feling, intuition some would say: we shouldn't go to the amusement park. It is called Six Flags or in my world: Six fucks or Six flags in your ass. we've ridden a really awesome ride at first and then went around. Next ride was called revenge and it was colored green, so there we left Valets behind to be looked over. and yeah, both got stollen with all ID's DL's CASH, Credit Card, Debit Card and every other memory. I called my parents, and they blocked the card, i will be yelled upon tomorrow i guess, and yeah, btw, i'm broke now... that's fucking screwed: welcome to Friday 13th. Fuck!

<3 KO

PS: I got my drivers licence today!

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T

written driving test today... wish me luck?!

<3 KO

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about tests and new confusions on the way back.

Oh, yes, school again. today i woke up. and it was one of the hardest waking ups this week. Cuz yesterday i was talking to Bree on AIM, and i have a test today so i had to study. I do study a bit, most of the time just talk. This girl confuses me, i have to admit, she plays the game with my feelings and that's something that kills. Like in the song The Kill by 30 seconds to mars. She randomly started to talk to me, and she didn't do it for a while, which is weird, and the things she was telling me, was about some random boy she likes, and i just got so confused, i couldn't feel the blood pumping in my heels and i couldn't hear my lungs breathing. There was no me, there were just feelings, that I've tried to push away, because if that guy is not me, i'm afraid to be down there again, i need time, because i guess, i fall down way too often! kissing the ground. i'll see wha happens, wish me luck on all of my tests.

Вопрос: you think she gives me a sign?

1. Yes, go for it		1	(50%)
2. No, this is fucked up		1	(50%)
Всего:		2