existence of the word in the foggy land

The words exist everywhere, they carry information, when in the sentence... this information has meaning, this mening gets stuck in our hands, we sometimes even use this information, just like neuron cells we send the message to each other... how we think? what we say? this all creates community... but if same thoughts go around us, especially stereotypes, do we create the robot community, why don't we think about sometimes before saying it... the words are so powerful, they can hurt, and cause so much pain, that they can even kill... we substitute some words for another, for some we seek complementary words, but does it really matter... why can't we just talk junk, no one is interested in my problems, people would rather see me smile. and this others might pretend and say words just to cause pain to their brain that doesn't want to be scattered across the wall, but it is getting scattered all over the scull, and they still live. do they call it masochism? I just suggest to be careful with words...

<3 KO

@музыка: Secrets don't make friends - by from first to last

@настроение: want a cigarette

@темы: Мысли вслух

---

so many different people

there are so many different people, with different views and different opinions, and sometimes it seems weird how we seek to find someone special. right now i'm writing a book, and reading 2 at the same time, and i express my feelings in there... i don't know what is happening to me, but i feel that i'm losing the ability to love. "HOW?" you would ask... i don't know... i mean i love my friends, my family, but i don't feel love for the world for life, so i don't have the hate for them, probably i don't care... yes, to be honest, i'm tired of people pretending to be someone else, someone they want to be, why not to be yourself, i would like you for who you are, i don't want anyone to change for me, i don't ask for it, as i don't think i should change. sometimes i imagine it, how "good" it would be if i become some asshole jock... life would be so much easier: girls like you, colleges want you to play for heir teams and there are so many friends... but it's all an illusion. those are not friends most of the time, but people who want to get some of the attention a jerk gets, those are not loving girls, they just seek for position in the society... but does it matter, does it make people feel good to be somebody else just for reputation? i just can't understand how people can still breath and not to suffocate because they were masks to hide their real inner side... how they soon lose the ability to express themselves... how they then die, and don't feel that they have done anything for the world, or for themselves... it's hard to see when someones life gets broken, but, hey, if you look give some respect on how a person keeps on smiling, how he tries over and over again, maybe just to fall down, but he never gives up...

<3 KO

@музыка: the used - I'm a fake

@настроение: awww

@темы: Мысли вслух

---

what kind of answer is That?

i finally got some answer from her... she likes 3 guys, and i'm one of them, what am i supposed to say... okay what are my chances... it's hard for her i understand... decided to give her more time... but i don't want her to too much of it... i know im quiet, romantic, maybe shy... but you can't just change who i am... i don't want to take on the mask... i want her to love me for who i am, but not for who she wants me to be... it's a dead end anyways



I take guitar classes every monday now, and i'm always very excited about those... cuz they are just awesome... and i think i'll get good very soon... just need some practice every day... my mom is painting now... i'm very concerned about her, and it seems sometimes she doesn't care about herself, causing pain to all of us her children...



my brother called, he smokes weed and it's not something unusual, just good health to him!



It's finals week now and i'm very stressed, or actually not, i'm not stressed... to be honest i just want to pass classes... and it's excitening... how i try to do everything all together at the same time... my english essay was about carpe diem... and i wrote about what i see around... i heard many songs: live for the moment... and those are the ones that we especially like, however we never do live for the moment, i wonder why... but it doesn't matter much...



i need someone to take care of me, i feel so innocent and insecure... this is my false bravery i show people... it's odd... it's just not to lose this thread with real world... right now i need the hand so i won't fall too deep into irathional...

<3 KO

@музыка: Lost prophets - rooftops

@настроение: excited

@темы: Чувства

---

yeah right 3rd try...

wrote a not and it disappeared... gosh... so much time spent!



so basicly it said i was thinkgin about finding my dad, i know he's an asshole, but i won't feel so lonely if he'll be there for me, and if he won't... at least i hope my friends will be there for me... they will help me out, they will help me to get through... i hope they will... i'm tired of people saying "OK" when i say good night... it's not right... do i have to say good night to them, no, but why do they make it to be like i have to do it every night... don't understand...



I want to open my eyes... i want to see the world like it is... maybe cruel... maybe safe... depends on the method i've been rased with... My eyes... they are like in some kind of gaze... i cannot see much of what i want with them...



and i feel like i'm too young... i feel that i act like a 12 years old... is it really me... i just see it sometimes and i'm like wtf?!

no i'm getting shizophrenia... hurts? not at all... pleasure... not really... i'm just tired...



I need some love in this life for god's sake! the life without love back suffocates me... yes it does... how dumb is that... i don't want to eat... i don't want to breath... i try to escape this sinful planet, because it never gave me reasons to stay, just responsibilities... why? do i deserve it? people say Bad Karma... was i a serial killer im past lives then?! i need to love... i can't understand people who say that they don't need love... liars! sometimes i need to hold someones hand, just to feel this eaching in the chest... because my heart gets bigger... it becomes real... reality... let me escape you, or find me a girl... done.



If you feel like dying...

if you feel like dying...

If you feel like dying...

you might wanna sing...

<3 KO

@музыка: The used all that ive got

@настроение: emotional

@темы: Мысли вслух

---

how i look on things sometimes...

Today i was talking to some people... and i told them how i see others... probably i was right to say that... i get hurt easily and so deep... i suddenly realized that i don't have much in this life... and i can't live for the moment... i wonder if there is a person who can live like that... we always look infront, plan, but in litersture write: carpe diem... which means seaze the day... i think it's so fake... If i feel like dying i might wanna sing... remember this... =D...



I think that sometimes we look for mistakes that we made, even though we don't want to... we look for someting odd, when it gets too romantic... and most of us forget the feeling... emotion... our positive attitude about something... like she said that it was too good to believe in... i saw people being really caring about some stupid stuff... i saw their faces... they were worried, but what does their mind say? i think something like: stop thinking aout it, it doesn't matter...



i want to try something, i wrote so much today, and some poems were really good, but i want to experiment on myself, and see, if i can do better then... wish me luck...

Still, i thought about changes and hidden desires again, after i read one of the diaries... i think we have other mind that would always try to take care of us, and he'll suggest some changes to happen... weather they are bad or good - it's our choice to judge... but i want to think about it in a different way: whatever happens - happens... happens for a reason or not... but all for good...

<3 KO

@музыка: The Used... - all that i've got

@настроение: calm

@темы: Мысли вслух

---

are you okay?

Well, i have some crap going on, it's gonna be over soon... i feel it... going to be over for good... i want it to work out this way... i hope my mind is powerful enough along with other minds to fight... otherwise i might fall too deep... so i'll bleed to death... watching how the bird of life opens it's wings flying away through my veins... i heard how the glass broke down behind me... was it my hope? no it wasn't. my hope won't break... just me...



i want to start it over, i want to start it over... and over again... that's why i think of suicide more often... i want to start it over... i'm smiling, but it hurts, cuz i have the reason not to smile... i smile the best when i'm hurt the most, when i'm worried... when i actually care... i smile, i laugh, this is how they taught us to live, but what is the point of it? they never told us... maybe it makes it easier, i wanted to believe in it...



I used to say: just smile... now i need someone to say it to me, because i need to be strong... and i need someone to be there for me... please hold my hand, will you, i want to ask random people... but it's just dumb... isn't it?

<3 KO

@музыка: the used

@настроение: thirsty

@темы: Мысли вслух

---

about happiness when everything is getting scary

Yesterday i was talking to one of the jocks in my school... how funny, he doesn't know why i feel emo, and tries to give some suggestions... why? why does he say that i should look for fun, and entertainment... he never had the moment when you just can't, when even if you want, your mind says no.... because dark thoughts return... he was like impossible... you shoul always have fun... and i thought, one day you'll be forced to something scary like me, and then what, are you going to have fun....



He was like: you're not doing anything about it, and me: I cannot do anything... I'm stuck... he just laughs... says emo... gah... how pathetic...



Anyways i was with my friend yesterday, we were sitting under the theatre seats and listening to music... other jock came up to us and took a picture... i just don't understand it, he has everything he wants and needs: a family, a girlfriend and many other things... why would he look for the scandal? i know it's excitening to look for a scandal in somebody elses life, but it's unpolite... especially when we have a personal issues... cuz other boy (the one who is my friends ex) got closer with the girl i like, and we are like: ah, how sad, too bad... but there is a difference... My friend hates them... and i'm just like: good luck... i think that hate cant change anything... or it actually can: in what way though? How would you feel if it happened to you, i just wonder?!



some people asked me not to commit the suicide, they said: it can't be that bad... and i'm like: it is that bad... they wanted me to promise them that i'm not gonna do it... maybe it's going toe another broken promise... ? no?

<3 KO

@музыка: the used - Let it bleed

@настроение: good

@темы: Мысли вслух

---

how is it like to walk on the edge

Few days ago I've received some sad news... so was listening mostly to screamo, and was wearing everything black... needed someone to be there for me and there was no one... I'm freaking out... i think just about the worst that can happen... i don't want to... it's unfair... i guess... i feel emo in general, and hope every day, try not to lose faith... thought of suicide... blood razors... it's a way too... but maybe not for me now, later? Close friends really help... but it is still hard...



Went to school today and was wearing the hood for the first few periods, hiding my head, maybe that's why emo sounds like and ostrich... don't know how to spell this one... so i was all depressed and almost crying... then i've decided to look around, and took off the hood... wow, there was the world there, and all those people, they hide feelings inside of them, under the masks... they act like jocks, and try to be mean... theay are all proud of who they are... all confident... but what inside: they are just like other people, they are not better... or the nerds, who study a lot, and reads subject textbooks until 2 in the morning? but deep inside there are feelings... real emotions... why do we hide them? seems weird...



I took off the hood and started to be normal... hoping for the best inside... i even smiled, and started to forget about my challenge... got shizophrenically joyful... felt myself on the edge of being happy and sad, and on the edge of being in the normal state of mind, and of being crazy... the edge was thin, just like one of the razor... and i thought maybe i should be crazy, because then you're not conserned about anything... you don't care... but i would prefer to care... every single time.... to feel... to live... to exist like a human.



Just need someone to hold my hand now... so i won't feel lonely...

<3 KO

@музыка: UNDERoath - Reinventing the exit...

@настроение: hoping

---

to my CR

I don't want you to get mad at me, it's my diary and it's your choice to read it, i really appreciate that you do... but if you don't like the ideas i have in my life, don't try to chage them... cuz you can't, just i can change them myself... i might be mean and harsh, and it's just who i am. Please accept me for who i am, not for who you want me to be...

Best wishes. Ko

@музыка: That song

@настроение: emo

---

this song

Can you feel your heart beat racing?

Can you taste the fear in her sweat?

You've done this wrong

It's too far gone

These sheets tell of regret

admit that I'm just a fool for you

I'm just a fool for you.



Here is where we both go wrong



Tonight's your last chance to do exactly what you want to do

And this could be my night

this is what makes me feel alive

Makes you feel alive



Here is where we both go wrong

So tie me up and toss this key cause for now we're living



In this momment that we both ignore the truth

It's all over

It's all over

I feel your heart against mine

So take a breath and close your eyes



Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing

My heart is dead, it's way past beating

Something has gone terribly wrong

I'm scared you're scared, we're scared of this

I never thought we'd make it out alive

I never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes

It's all in your goodbyes



We'll look who's dying now, slit wrist, asleep with the girl next door

I always knew you were such a sucker for that

It doesn't matter what you say

You never mattered anyway

You never mattered anyway



In this momment that we both ignore the truth

It's all over

It's all over

I feel your heart against mine

So take a breath and close your eyes



Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing

My heart is dead, it's way past beating

Something has gone terribly wrong

I'm scared you're scared, we're scared of this

I never thought we'd make it out alive

I never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes

it's all in your goodbyes



Don't shake, I hate to see you tremble

trembling

You've lost your touch haven't you?

And I'm so addicted

so addicted.



Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing

My heart is dead, it's way past beating

Something has gone terribly wrong



Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing

My heart is dead, it's way past beating

Something has gone terribly wrong

I'm scared you're scared, we're scared of this

I never thought we'd make it out alive

I never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes

It's all in your goodbyes



I never thought we'd make it out alive

I never thought we'd make it out alive

I never thought we'd make it out alive

It's all in your goodbyes

@музыка: this song

@настроение: screamo

---

how people blame themselves...

I know many people who have problems... many of them say that they are stupid and that they can't do anything... why is that? maybe because you call yourself stupid... and another example: girl calls herself a slut, and then complains why the guys she dates treat her like if she was a whore.... our words have so much meaning in them... and we just throw them around... I don't say anything bad about myself, more like: ah, i can change it...



Being responsible for your words is very important... if you mean something say it, but then don't blame people around, cuz it's your fault... so don't even think of blaming yourself now... cuz you know your problem, you don't look lost or confused, you have the way. or if you don't create it... it's easy... just try... and why do people promise?



Promise is very important too, and if you promise something don't look for excuses, just do what you promised, if you don't want to, why did you promise? see the logic...



btw... about logic... it happens to be the most interesting thing in the whole world... many people say that if there is no logic it is leathal. Bullshit. just look at the world around, and there are so many things that don't go in the logic chain.... and there are so many people who create. like many artists write beaustiful pictures, and there is no logic in it... once in a while we dream, where is that logic of our dreams... i just don't understand why do we like to explain everything so much... it's judging too, but here you judge yourself... look for excuses... nobody really cares what happened... it just became fomal to have 1-2 excuses for every failure that we have... but instead of wasting time on looking for excuses, we shall try to do more... and do out best!

<3 Ko

Picture: I'm a white mage... don't mess with me...

@музыка: taste of ink

@настроение: sleepy

---

about the conversation

I felt really EMO yesterday... It was cold and i listened to screamo music at the highest volume, so i won't be able to listen to anything else after... was wearing black and put a pink tie on my neck... she actually was one of many who read my comments about my self... and she was the ONLY one who actually cared enough to listen... and talk... probably this is why i like her, because she is always there for me, but i feel ashamed of myself, cuz i'm never there for her... why? because she doesn't let me be there with her... I don't know what's going to happen next... I'm confused... but i'm going to ask her for a dance... winter formal... and i have a cheesy idea about how i'm gonna do it...



Today i have a lot of stuff to do, and also a plenty of time to do it... maybe i should start now... maybe later... but all i think about is my problem, and Bree, i want to hold her hand, and be there for her... I'll try... I'll do my best...



Bought 2 CDs yesterday, i like those...



<3 KO



Picture: she's irish and i'm in heart also... cuz she's in my heart

@музыка: The Used - I caught fire in your eyes...

@настроение: yep

---

see the way when everything is dark

Do you see the way when everything is dark... I try... and once in a while i do... i need to understand that somethings in this world cant be changed by me... they just stay there... and they will, as long as we can't accept them... I've accepted some part of my depression, but it hurts the other my part... cuz it's like the way to exist... imagine a zebra: it has white and black stripes... I don't know where i am... i'm in the act of depression and at the same time, i'm here close to something blooming... and i don't know how i should feel... but i feel lost...



i'm losing the ability to live... i just do whatever i want... and is it my mistake... or somebody elses? i do not know... all i know is there is here and now, in this body i feel how blood runs up and down my vessels, how it washes the heart and fills the head... i feel alive... and i want to be living, but i don't feel life from the outside... all of it here inside of my head, in my heart...



I will still try... i'll even have faith that everything is going to be good... but i just need someone right now to hold my hand... and be here for me... It'll tell me that life still matters and that i'm not alone in this world...



<3 KO

@музыка: There is a cure...

@настроение: Talking to Bree!

---

feelings of being so close

So, today it was all about me in the morning, then remembered my mom, i miss her, felt emo for a few seconds, and then was like: it's just 4 more months... winter formal is comming - it's the biggest dance in a year. gonna be awesome... i hope... it's gonna be in the car museum... and i want to ask Bree to go with me... I need to do it in a cheesy way. and i have a few ideas... at this point i'm pretty sure she likes me, because i saw the away message that said: at least once in my life it'll go as i want. she said then: we'll see... i said we'll see, when i knew she wasn't ready to answer to my feelings. i think now she's ready... i think of her too much... head over heels... i'm going to concentrate on studying today... hope to get everything done...



Lately i was wondering, why is that so for us that we need the begining and the end... lke ants they don't care... they just live their minute life and die, but the world doesn't stop. our life should be like that, do whatever you can in given time... and enjoy it... they seek for the key of existence, for the begining, but what if there wasn't a begining? what if it was just like that. The galaxy is old, or maybe young, or maybe it's hard to say, because how can we know when it started?! or how it started. Just live for the moment carpe diem! and everything should seem less important, because our lives are the moments.

<3 KO

@музыка: Senses Fail - Save Yourself

@настроение: hungry

---

How do we built a relationship

First we meet each other, first our breath gets taken away and all tunes disappear from the sight. Or you just meet each other weather with attraction or not. Then you wait, at least for some time, i don't know why, maybe for your relationship to grow stronger... next you get together...



In this case, I met her one year and 6 months ago. She was on stage presenting the ASB team of my school. It was like something hit me on my head: i could look just on her, and i was so tuned out... my friend was talking to me something and after a few minutes i was like: what? She was a student in my school, and i was sort of obsessed with her... She used t like another guy... this year she liked me. I made my first step: brought her flowers, than second step: said "I love you" to her, and it seemed that she was all excited about it at first, but then she sends me a message: I'm not quite sure what you meant... or i could interpret it in a wrong way. my away message was: How Romantic? ask me anything you didn't understand.... Hers was: did i break your heart? Too bad! It is too good to be happening to me...



What a mess?! Why do we think that when something good is close we don't deserve it... and we have to push it away? it's not right, it's not how it is supposed to be... I'll fight this time for this relationship... but if i lose i won't waste a ton of time on being depressed, I'll just be myself...



and I love my mom, i really care about her, and i want everything to be good for her///

@музыка: silence...

@настроение: ready for this day!

---

how is it to be confused, but smiling...

So, Dear diary, I'm sorry, i was unable to get online more often... sarcastic? hehe, it's more ironic... so there is this girl, her name is Bree... and i like her a lot, like a lot... i know i can live without her, and i don't need her to live my life, but i really wish we were together... today she wrote: it's funny, when a girl writes her whole profile about one boy and he doesn't even see it, even though he reads it every day... there are 3 guys who get on her profile very often, and one of them is me... and on the otther day, when i got back to school she hugged me and said: I missed you a lot - and it's hard to get what she ment... my other friend with whom i hang out most of the time, she is the girl, was walking with me once, and Bree saw us together (many people think we are dating) and said the next day, that Bree was looking at her like she wanted to kill her, and she could tell that she likes me... why does she has to complicate everything so much... I don't know who to believe, i can't believe my heart, because it might want to be broken again... and i don't want it... i have so many questions... and thoughts and i throw them away, tear them apart, just to feel how i want to care, but i dare not to. From all the girls i've ever liked i'll miss Bree the most, if life seapates us...



I walk on a street and wonder, if it is like it is supposed to be... well, since i got here i got a lot done... i even oppened a new account, and now i think it's the time to get together with this girl... or maybe not, i confused and i keep smiling...



how romantic this has become

Typicall teenage drama...



how should i appologize for being human?

-Dating Delilah

@музыка: Dating Delilah

@настроение: confused...

---

about parents...

I never knew who was my dad, and was raised by grama, cuz my mom was in college at the time... so then, she figured that she was falling in love again... and got married for her second time to the man who became a father to me... it's really weird how they make this relationship... i woke up today and everything seemed to be nice and friendly... he came back home, and they started to fight, started to scream at each other... i got relly TERRIFIED... cuz i don't know what to do in this situation... i went out and wrote sown on the white snow: Why Did You All Complicate it? and i still don't know how to be, cuz if my parents divorce, I'll be the only one left out, alone, useless... cuz my mom, she has some property, and specialization, she can get a job, or w/e... Kids are okay, cuz he will always support them... and what about me? Will someone even remember me? or they will laught remembering this kid, who was nice to the world... or will cry: he was so nice, but life was so cruel... They make me feel empty... they build a robot out of me, i feel like an investment... i know it's not true... but this is how my mind suggests me to feel... and i'd rather die than be a robot...

<3 Ko

to someone who cared...

But then they got scared...

Of sadness in eyes...

that turned into cries...



picturE:scary...

@музыка: Save yourself

@настроение: want to cry

---

how hard it is to smile, when it hurts...

Good everning, Diary...

Today was a day, that made me feel sad again... i don't know what is wrong with life or me, but when i feel good sme shit happens... or is about to happen... I can't run away from it, all i can do is face it... so i get stronger... we all want to believe that we are... today, we had a lunch with my mom, and she said something that made me feel myself as if i was a robot... not a pleasent feeling, trust me... and i was walking back, with my hurt finger... to the house in the cold winter night... but it didn't hurt as much as something on the inside... had so many feelings, and didn't know or want to tell them... felt turn apart by the ravens... is it really my choice to be like that? i wouldn't thinkl so, but there is my fault... to get rid of this mood i was smiling, fake smiling... until i just gave up, and sang... sang how i could, outloud... with feelings that were in me... maybe i'm turning crazy, but all i want to be right now is to be alive... to be a person, something important, someone who will be an example for others... but i just try, i try to do my best, but my moralities get broken... all i need is some real love... i want the warm feeling people say they have when they love... heh...

<3 Ko

@музыка: silence...

@настроение: sad

---

about how we want to be different...

Today, my mother told me that i become alike my father... i didn't ever know him... but she says that i have his look, and his eyes at the times... that i have his smile once in a while... genes i understand... but it can't be this similar... i like the same things, we even have same kind of dog, who actually listens just to us... I'm afraid to become like him... maybe he wasn't ready for me... so he left us... maybe he just was other person... i don't know... all they ever said to me is that he was a bastard... or asshole... i don't know how he was, but i wan to be different... i even gave up one hobby to be different... and i still want to be different... but getting a plastic surgery wouldn't change anything... it won't make me different... it's the same as if i was running from myself... and lieing... i don't know what to do... I'll think of it later... but for now i have to be strong...



maybe he was trying to get back with me... or maybe he was watching me playing in the yard everyday... but couldn't come to me... maybe he was watching me grow... or maybe he was just thinking about me all the time... or he found himself a new wife... and he has kids, my brothers and sisters, i'll never meet them... but what i'm afraid the most: i don't want to be like him, i don't want people to say about me same things they say about him... i don't want to be a Bastard... i want to be who i am... i don't want to meet him though... many people would... but i don't...



because i just don't know what would i say... what would he say... what would the silence mean... would it mean: i'm sorry... or would it mean nothing... i don't know how will i look in his eyes... maybe he's dead... and i've never seen him... or i did, but i don't even remember him... i know it's hard to know both parents when they are divorced... thanks mom, for keeping me away from him... thanks a lot... but yeah... i just don't know... just don't know what to say...



I don't want to be like him...

<3 Ko



PS: the bird got into a house today... i wasn't here... but when i got back... i saw it... it was suffering in the walls... it needed air, freedom... it was hitting the window so many times... but couldn't get through... and it's breathing was so hard... so hard... i took it and threw into a window so it could fly... and it flew away towards the sun... enjoying the freedom... i looked into its eyes before i took it into my hands, it was hard for it to trust me... but it did... i hope it did... heh...

@музыка: My chemical Romance - Helena

@настроение: i shouldn't say it, but i really don't know...

---

a song for people who can relate...

Senses Fail - Save Yourself...



Turn out the light.

Just say goodnight

to yourself.

May I remind you,

when you find

you're all alone's when you,

you've got to be strong.

Thats when they call you in the night.

He's got your picture in his mind.

He's got your number on a paper

at his disposal anytime.



Is it really true?

Could you save yourself

for someone who

could love you for you?

So many times we just give it away

to someone who, someone who...



You met in a bar

in the back of a car

and for a moment

you felt important

but not in your heart.

'Cause my self esteem,

its been low

go ahead and count, its been lower than low

And I know the feeling of it stealing

life out from under me.



...cause i wanna learn

how you save yourself

for someone who

could love you for you!

So many times we just give it away

to someone who

couldn't even remember your name

Could you save yourself

for someone who

loves you for you

and loves me for me?

We give it away to someone who

someone who'd cherish you.



'Cause I wanna learn

how you save yourself

for someone who

loves you for you?

And loves me for me

we give it away to someone who,

someone who'd cherish your name

cherish your name.

@музыка: You know

@настроение: romantic